As I look above where it says "add a catchy title," I realize that truthfully I do not want this outlet to be catchy, flashy, or anything of those sorts. This is me being real and honest, so we can be real together. That being said, I would love share something that is a pretty vulnerable topic for me. I want to share this partly to encourage people who have a complicated relationship with food, that you are not the only one, and partly to celebrate my progress. Buckle up, this one is extremely hard to write about, but also something that I am happy to share.
As a lady, I have always felt the pressure to be a certain way, look a certain way, or measure up to a "standard." I hate that this "standard" has so much control on us as people. This is NOT just women. I know that many of us feel that, or have felt that pressure. I made it a point about a year ago to jump into my fitness journey, and lose some weight to feel better. I wanted to do something for myself, and it was most definitely for me at the beginning. That being said, I was not careful, and my relationship with food became tinted. Honestly, I became obsessed with losing weight, and I lost control of that. There was a shift that happened, and I was no longer doing this to better myself, but I was under a heavy blanket of disorder eating. Food was not a positive thing for me, but a burden. I was scared of it. I thought that carbs were the enemy, and don't get me started on going out to eat with friends. I was at the point where I would think about the fact that I had to go out to a restaurant for the whole day, to prepare myself. That is what you call being trapped. Life revolved around how I felt about eating.
While all of this was developing, my running journey was picking up and I was in love with it. But, as most of you would guess... not eating carbs/enough food in general + running picking up, is not a good mix. I was so frustrated because running is something that I am extremely passionate about, yet I was hitting a wall every time I would step onto the trail. It was a big wake-up call for me. I wasn't treating my body the way it needed to be treated. Even without the running, I was in a place of harming my body by not giving it what it needs to thrive. The running was not the issue, it was my mindset towards food. Food was the enemy, when food needed to be my source of energy. It IS my source of energy.
A few months ago, I knew I needed to do some things to step towards a strong Sarah. My first step was taking my mirror out of my room. I wanted to focus on how my body felt, and not what I was seeing. Because, I was obviously not seeing clearly whatsoever. I was far from being kind to myself. Surprisingly enough, that made a huge difference, and I highly recommend. Maybe sometime ill bring it back in, but honestly, I don't need to stare at myself anyway. :)
Secondly, I bought a loaf of bread and did the work to merge some carbs into my "safe foods." I would eat toast and peanut butter before a run. Slowly but surely, foods that once scared me to eat, were becoming something that I NEEDED. I could feel the difference. I made it a point to switch my thinking when I was feeling nervous about eating something, and say "your body needs fuel." I'm sure many people have said this, but just like a car needs fuel to drive, we need good foods to keep us at our best. I was expecting my body to run with power, when I was giving it nothing to work with. But, on top of that, I was tired and worn down without running. My friends started to notice I was disconnected.
Where am I now?
I am firm believer that "health" is overall. Each step you take to be healthy in one area, the other areas start to click. Because I am choosing to view food as my fuel. I am not as drained, as obsessed over food, and as mentally un-focused. I am training for a 50k trail run this summer, and I am dang proud of the work I have put in to treat my body with kindness and bring a ton of nutrients to my fridge. Yes, I run large amounts, but I also eat foods that my body is sooooo thankful for.
It is a process. Of course it is. I know this story is continuous, and I will have even more to share. But, I am slowly feeling like Sarah again... maybe even "strong Sarah."
